saki87's Blog

Dear CC

i wrote an actual letter to you, right after the incident. Remeber when I kept asking you to get your jacket? That letter is still in the pocket. I know I have to take it out, since it seems there's is no saving this, but in a way I want to leave it there.

I don't think you really got how I felt about you and yes you said you did, but honestly, all of this wouldn't have happened then. Maybe if I put even more effort into showing you how much you meant to me, maybe then you wouldn't have thrown me away like you did.

Honestly, I'm so pissed at you. I am disappointed, broken and furious. I want to scream your bloody head off and on the other hand I want to sit and talk with you about random things like old times.

You keep rubbing this whole situation in my face> Yes you like my sister and I cant believe you do. After all you were the one that said she had a bloody shit-face expression all the time? Now you keep hoping everything will be okay, that you'd be allowed to see her. That we can all be friends and laugh at this one day.

It might be easy for you to just move on, to just switch old feelings off ( even if you had any for me at all) but it's not as easy for me.

I revolved around you, I tried every single day to show you that I cared, that I'd always be there for you and that I'd do anything for you. You told me I was your forever, the best girlfriend you had. You spoke about moving in together, getting married and having a little boy.

You spoke about you starting your business and me helping you out with it. You had all these big dreams wherein I was included, so they were my dreams too. But you took them too.

Just like you took my heart, my soul, my self-esteem, self-worth, self-respect. You took all of me.

You were the first person I loved, the first one I let in and you broke me. I cant function properly these days and honestly death sounds better than what I am feeling now.

How could you of all people do that to me? You were hurt before, you have been betrayed and cheated on. You have been thrown away. Why would you then do that to someone else?

Why do that to me?

I cant delete you from my life, your photographs, the videos I have of you, the gifts you gave me. Even if i did throw those away, everything reminds me of you. The place we went, the things we saw together. All of it crashes on me each day and each day I have to pretend to be okay, but why then do break down out of the blue at the most random places? How can I even try to do this? How can you expect this of me?

 I told you I cant imagine life before you o r without you. I was nothing before I met you, you brought me out, You made me believe that I too could be loved. That I was worth someones time. And that for once in my miserable life, I had something to llok forward to, soemthing to live for.

You ripped it away, and now you're so happy-go-lucky it makes me sick. I can't stand that you can't feel what I feel. I can't stand that you can sleep so easily knowing you just ruined someone.

I hope one day, I'll be a tiny bit stronger to breathe again. no thanks to you.

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Dear CC, posted January 15th, 2013

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